The Academic Food Chain

Did you ever wonder about the relative power of the people you find on a college campus? What follows is an old list, which is often adapted for other professions, but it's still fun, and sadly, true for many of our higher education institutions today.

The Power Structure of Academia
Academic Position	Relative Power
The Dean	Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than an locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
The Department Head	Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Can handle walking on water on a calm day. Talks with God.
The Professor	Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if a special request is honored.
The Associate Professor	Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
The Assistant Professor	Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.
The Instructor	Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.
The Graduate Student	Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
The Undergraduate Student	Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo". Usually outruns the water from a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.
The Department Secretary	Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. She IS God.