Unexpectedly Intriguing!
December 3, 2009

Bottle Opener Patent 692,045 We're in the business of solving problems here at Political Calculations, but perhaps no problem today is more urgent or demanding of a solution than that of how to open a bottle of beer if you don't have a bottle opener.

You just need one or more of the following items: a belt buckle, a lighter, keys, a sheet of paper, a dog collar, a ring, a hat, a car, another unopened bottle and the knowledge of what to do with each of them!

For that, we'll point you to Eric Rogers' listing of nine different ways in which this particular problem might be solved, several of which include videos! To give you an idea of what those ways are, and why you need to know these methods in Eric's own words, here's our short summary of Eric's list:

 

1. Buckle up. (Includes video!)

Hopefully you aren't the type who walks around with your pants falling off your hips – which means you're probably rocking a belt in the waist-land! Your belt's buckle can also function as a bottle opener, and here's how to do it....

2. The lighter of my life. (Includes video!)

You keep promising you're going to give up smoking and arson. But you'll be glad you haven't yet, as your trusty lighter can now aid your pursuit of other vices. All you smokers finally have your opportunity to shine. Just whip out your trusty Bic and get to popping them caps off....

3. Keynotes.

This is the most likely item you'll have at your disposal. Here's how to do it....

4. Paper dreams. (Includes video!)

Let's say you've got nothing on hand except ingenuity and a few greenbacks. While you might prefer a 50, it's all the same to your beer. Here's what to do....

5. Dog collar days.

Well you're a beltless, keyless, paperless, pink-lunged wonder who's still longing for that beer. Got a dog?...

6. Ring-a-ding-ding.

A metal ring of any sort is the perfect tool in this instance because its tiny metal edges can be leveraged to defeat any bottle cap. This is how....

7. Flip your lid.

Thank God you're wearing that ball cap to keep the sun off your face or the sweat out of your eyes. But did you know the bill can act as a temporary bottle opener? Here's how....

8. Bumper crop.

If you (or someone you know) has a vehicle that isn't simply fiberglass-and-plastic on wheels, then a metal bumper is also an easy tool to use to free your beer from its bottled prison....

9. Bottle rock it.

Where there's one beer, there are sure to be several more. This bodes well for your predicament, as this is probably the simplest, most efficient way to get that beer cap off, and no one's teeth, fashion accessories, or Chevy Impalas are needed for success!....

As for what bottle of beer to open with any of these methods, might we suggest Tactical Nuclear Penguin, the "world's strongest beer", which just happens to be from the brewers of Nanny State, perhaps the "world's weakest beer"!

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